Perfect last-minute Christmas gifts for a hated family member

Andrew Flintoff: Being Freelance

with Raymond ‘Chubby’ Chandler, Freelance Press (hardback – do not strain back when lifting)

Revealing account of Flintoff’s battle to stop his agent saying things that make him look silly in the press, his campaign against rap music, his controversial views on immigration, higher-rate taxation and alcohol-free lager, and his struggle to stay fit long enough to get a chance to represent Joe Swash and the Red Team on ‘Hole In The Wall’.

Stuart Broad: Zen And The Art Of Umpire Maintenance

with some poor hack or other, Matchfee Books

Highly-regarded by the critics, but some book-buyers are increasingly concerned about the book’s tendency to have one bad sentence per paragraph. Many readers have also felt that Broad “appears uncertain what sort of writer he wants to be.” Production of book was reportedly marred by furious arguing with editor whenever author asked for a page to be reviewed.

Stumpy Stumpington: Player, Glovesman, Greengrocer

by David Dulle, Historipress

Exhaustive (985-page) account of the life of Stumpy ‘Stumps’ Stumpington, who kept wicket for Lancashire Seconds once in 1934, and then retired to run a small shop in Cleethorpes. Features fascinating interview with Stumpy, who hated cricket, and interviews, in which he refuses to answer any questions that are not about marrowfat peas. Surprisingly, this is the first-ever biography of the man rated “among the top two or three Lancashire inter-War greengrocer-wicketkeepers”.

Mooresy Money, Mooresy Problems

by Peter Moores, Health And Fitness Publishing

Exhausting how-to manual that teaches the reader how to be an international cricket coach in just a few easy steps. Learn how to put out cones, how to shout at people to run around cones, bench-pressing with a cone, techniques for analysing a cone on a laptop, how to put cones back in official team fitness centre and literally many fewer helpful hints. Cricketing instruction not included. New updated edition features advice on cricketing back injuries – i.e. how to avoid getting stabbed in it.

These Colours Don’t Ron

by Ronnie Irani, Ford Escort Press

Rags-to-riches tale of how a self-confessed “daft young Herbert” from Bolton rose to the heights of washing Alan Brazil’s car on Basildon’s prestigious TalkCABBIE radio, and the lows of bankruptcy after a disastrous business venture to breed pit-bull-Pekinese crosses with Wolf from Gladiators. Also, Ronnie reveals all about the top-level power struggle at Essex that saw him do a big jobby in Nasser Hussain’s cricket bag. Plus: highlights of Ron’s Test career (see bottom of page 196, in between story about a funny thing that happened when Ronnie did the after-dinner at the Worshipful Company Of Double-Glazers (Billericay) Christmas Lunch and story about why Michael Atherton stitched him up like a kipper).

‘And Then Beefy Called The Waiter A ****’ And Other Hilarious Cricketing Stories

edited by Lamby, Old Boys Club Press

A new collection of hilarious anecdotes from some of the greatest names in cricket and after-dinner comedy, perfect for the cricket fan in your life who has lived under a rock at the bottom of the sea for the last 35 years. Features that one with Lamby, Beefy, Dickie and the mobile phone; the one about someone’s wife giving someone else a biscuit; and the nation’s favourite funny cricket story: that one where Del Boy falls through the bar.

By Alan Tyers