To the outsider, the constant arguing and squabbling can seem confusing, but it’s really very simple. Here are the key issues and figures in the latest row at the PCB…

In a bid to heal the deep rifts in the team, the PCB has flexed its muscles and hit batting stars Iqbal Butt and Salim Khan with lifetime bans that insiders say could literally last for a “couple of months or more” before being overturned on appeal.

Two factions had formed in the team, crystallised around the two senior players. The Salim camp have refused to play unless their man is made captain, given a payrise and a selection veto on Iqbal and any of his followers, and a big gold chair to sit on with “Iqbal is a plonker” embossed into it. They have also requested that Iqbal is not allowed to travel with the team and should have to walk to all the matches, being pelted with rotten fruit as he does so, as well as having to bat at four in one-dayers.

The Iqbal camp, however, demand the immediate axing of Salim, his supporters, anyone who is suspected of being one of his supporters and the incarceration of a Mr D Wilson of Chorley, Lancs, who once smiled at Salim in a friendly way when asking for his autograph at Old Trafford.

The two senior players were formerly close but fell out in 1997 when Iqbal reportedly “looked at Salim in a slightly funny way over breakfast” one morning, leading to a bitter blood-feud that has simmered ever since.

Only the intervention of much-loved senior pro Misbah Wasim kept the peace, but when Misbah was found to have accidentally and without any suggestion of impropriety had a massive bet on Iqbal to beat Salim over 12 rounds in an unlicensed boxing match before being unfortunately caught slipping horseshoes into Iqbal’s gloves in a manner that was in no way suggestive of match-fixing, the PCB were reluctantly forced to act.

With nothing but a signed confession, footage from 45 different CCTV cameras, over 60 eyeball witnesses and detailed financial records, the case was too borderline for a conviction and Misbah was let off with a suspended ban, later reduced to absolutely bugger all on appeal. However, he stood down from the captaincy at disgust over his treatment – before being moved upstairs to oversee selection and anti-corruption issues – and the one buffer between Salim and Iqbal was removed.

It is hoped that the removal of Salim and Iqbal will bring some harmony back to the team, and interim captain Umar Mohammad was keen to stress: “This is a new era for the boys, we want to draw a line under this, and we are all going to be moving forward together from now on, apart from that tosser Kamran, his cousin Rana, their mate Shoaib and all of their other cronies, obviously.”

By Alan Tyers