ITV4 Press Release reveals plan for world domination

Not content with saving cricket from certain extinction, bringing peace to the Middle East and discovering a cure for that really annoying thing where you get water in your ear after you go swimming, Lalit Modi has pulled off another incredible coup. The incomparable Mr Modi has unearthed a television double act to stand alongside Morecambe and Wise, Phil and Fearne and the Brit Awards’ Mick Fleetwood and Sam Fox.

2010 will be looked back upon as the year of Graeme Hick and Mandira Bedi.

Wowed by their on-screen chemistry, rapier banter and range of dazzling outfits (Graeme’s grey polo shirt already has its own Facebook page!), senior executives at ITV are working on a golden handcuffs deal that will tie the former Worcestershire run machine and the legendary soap actress or singer or Bollywood star to the channel for the rest of their presenting careers, or April, whichever is the later.

ITV bosses were said to be “very impressed” with Mandira’s ability to think on her feet and adapt to the changing news environment, for instance when staring in a terrified way at the camera and saying “Erm, so Sanath Jayasuriya is bowled out. That is sad. But what about Dhoni’s hair? That is nice!” Already Alastair Stewart is said to be nervously looking over his shoulder and wondering if his Election Night gig is a “safe seat” after all.

Impressed by the pair’s rat-a-tat-tat trading of quips on the IPL cricket sofa, a late night talkshow in the style of the USA’s David Letterman or Jay Leno is already in development. With such crackling repartee as “So who do you want to win, Hicky?” “Well Mandira, I suppose I’ll say Chennai, because Vikram didn’t”, viewers are in for a side-splitting treat.

In the shorter-term, bosses have commissioned a Saturday night primetime vehicle for the two which will blend ITV bankers Dancing On Ice with Wild At Heart. Using his knowledge of animals from his native Zimbabwe, Hicky will dress up as various jungle creatures and be taught to ice-skate by Mandira, who has never been ice-skating. Mark Ramprakash will be in the Sharon-Osbourne-mentor role, helping Hicky through the highs (perfect quadruple salchow into triple lutz while dressed in Worcestershire uniform and buffalo horns) and the lows (collapsing in a heap and crying while wearing England Lion outfit).

However, ITV sees the pairing as having potential beyond light entertainment and are developing a remake of Eighties will-they-won’t-they odd couple cop show Dempsey And Makepeace. Hicky will play the quick-talking maverick New York detective who has been transplanted to London to work for CID via a slightly convoluted plot device and is not afraid to break the rules to get what he wants, although he might go to pieces if there are any West Indian criminals to deal with. Mandira will play his 1985 Volkswagen Scirocco. The sky is the DLF limit for this pair!

By Alan Tyers