To the outsider, the constant arguing and squabbling can seem confusing, but it’s really very simple. Here are the key issues and figures in the latest row at the PCB…

In a bid to heal the deep rifts in the team, the PCB has flexed its muscles and hit batting stars Iqbal Butt and Salim Khan with lifetime bans that insiders say could literally last for a “couple of months or more” before being overturned on appeal.

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Mates. Firstly, I’d just like to say that I’m as happy as dingo with two babies that I’ve been asked to head up this esteemed council.

Truly, we are living in exciting times. Who could have predicted, 25 years ago, that Jim Robinson would be a major Hollywood actor? Or that young Jason Donovan would give his Joseph to an adoring London Palladium? Or that our greatest living writer, Bruce Sheepdip, would come so close to winning the Nobel Prize for Literature that he could get in a punch-up with Harold Pinter outside Oval tube station? Or that Australia’s cricket captain elect would not be able to grow a moustache, but would own a bottle of his own shampoo?

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Following Lalit Modi’s claims that MCC are keen to take a franchise into the IPL, we suggest the conditions the men from NW8 may insist upon before they part with their cash …

Shilpa Shetty to be replaced as the tournament’s attractive female figurehead with a lady more suited to members’ tastes. From the world of entertainment, who could do a better job than Dame Judi Dench? Assuming she is no longer busy with her Ghurkhas, the fragrant Joanna Lumley is always popular. As is the fragrant Margaret Thatcher. Dame Vera Lynn could perhaps be engaged to perform a pop single at the ground.

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My heart’s gone out to Andrew Strauss this week: I know how difficult it is when people want you to go and do cricket in other countries. It’s alright for Warney, a nurse in every port, playing no-limit Snap in Las Vegas, having his roots re-electrolysed: he’s got other interests. But a lot of blokes don’t want to be away from the creature comforts of home.

And some of the tales you hear about foreign places. Well, it’s enough to make your blood run cold.

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The world of cricket was abuzz with frenzied speculation last night as it emerged that a top county player has taken out a so-called “super injunction” to prevent a publication from printing lurid details about his private life.

Player X is described in legal papers seen by TWC Online as “a seamer on the verge of breaking into the outskirts of the fringes of the England set-up, given a bit of luck with injuries”.

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Alan Tyers looks at the job advert for South Africa’s new coach

APPLY: gsmith@cricketsouthafrica.co.za

Firstly, the board would like to stress that it will be our decision who picks the coach and applications are only being sent to Graeme because apparently his email would be best for that sort of thing and it is definitely NOT just his decision.

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The ECB faced criticism today over its decision to rest senior figures for the tour of the UAE and Bangladesh.

A press release confirmed that Giles Clarke will NOT be travelling with the squad to Dubai in February. Read the rest of this entry »

The first Test between England and South Africa at the ground, in 1898, saw England’s dour Lancastrian opener Jack Pilkington defy the South African bowlers for a remarkable 2,784 deliveries, during which he scored 3 not out. The South Africans were lead by their fearsome pace spearhead Pieter Van Der Graafgenerator, who hurled everything he had at Pilkington in an unforgettable duel on the third morning, including bouncers, insults, bits of wood and a (fortunately dud) primitive explosive device.

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One thing everybody knows about me is that I love to help people. I very, very rarely think about meself. That’s why I got in touch with young Michael Owen to tell him to try Feng Shui. It worked wonders for me, it did, and I was happy to share it with him. The key difference between us is that I were bloody good at batting and Michael can’t score a goal for toffee but you’ve got to look beyond that.

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It’s good to be here in Cape Town, because we were very disappointed by the display in Durban. I had a bad feeling as soon as we got to the ground and saw there was no tandoori gazelle left for breakfast. Preparation is so vital for top-level sport, and nowhere more so than in the dining room. I had to make do with a few meagre plates of creamed gnu dupiaza and it upset my routine pretty badly.

I said to AB in the first innings there: “Look, none of that fancy running about business, I’ve overdone it on the warthog vol-au-vents at lunch and I’m in stand-and-deliver mode here.” But you can’t talk to young AB – once he sees a moving ball of any kind, he just starts running around like an excitable puppy. I understand as a child he saw a puppy playing with a ball and became terribly confused as to why it was furrier than he was. It affected him quite badly: he’s a magnificent all-round athlete but for some years he would only play sports involving dogs but not a ball. He was one of the most highly rated greyhounds in the country at under-13 level.

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