
I’m depressed. This hotel room is freezing. My hotel room in South Africa was a perfect temperature.
I look at my watch: 2.30pm. No rest for the wicked. I managed to snatch a quick 14 hours sleep but I’m still worn out.
God it’s cold in here. I call Fidel, get him to come and fix the heating. He says he just has to cook everyone’s breakfast, make up the beds, regrout a bathroom, carry Shiv to the jacuzzi – he doesn’t like to waste energy when he’s not batting – and then he’ll be up as soon as he can.
I bet Viv Richards didn’t have to put up with this. I take a nap while I wait, to try and keep my strength up. Eventually Fidel arrives, passes me my breakfast tray. I drop it. He runs downstairs to get another one. I take a quick nap.
He comes back, looks at the heater.
“You just have to turn this dial here to ‘ON’, skipper,” he says. “See? Now it’s on.”
It’s typical. The constant demands, the pressure, having to take responsibility for everything. All eyes on you. I wish I could practice turning the heater on and off but I don’t have time. But when I need to turn it on, I’ll be ready. If I’m not too tired through no fault of my own.
In South Africa, the heaters were brilliant. In fact, they don’t even have heaters there. They have air-conditioning. And there’s none of this long, drawn-out business of turning a dial. You just flick a switch and – boom – it’s the perfect temperature. Maybe in the future all hotel rooms will be like that. To be honest, I wouldn’t care. I don’t need a heater. Maybe Andrew Strauss does, but that’s his problem if he can’t figure out how the hotel room of the future will be temperature-controlled. He should mind his own business and not be talking about me when he should be talking about him.
I try and have a rest, but I can’t. I’m thinking about Andrew Strauss thinking about me when he’s trying to sleep, and then I start thinking about Andrew Strauss thinking about me thinking about him when I should be trying to sleep.
I wake up a few hours later, hardly rested at all, and soon it’ll be time for bed, before the whole exhausting treadmill starts again tomorrow.
By Alan Tyers