I can’t say that I’ve enjoyed this week much. There’s been meetings and sessions and get-togethers pretty much morning noon and night and my arms are all worn out from holding my hands up. And it’s easy for people like Fred to thump the table and say we got to get some team spirit and we got to stand up and be counted but I liked it better under Mooresy because he let you sit down while you were counted and just put your hand up to say you were being counted and that way you always got your Lucozade and a Protein Biscuit and no one tried to take it off you not even Fred. That was a fair system I reckon.

The meeting got a bit confused when Fred thumped the table and asked for the team spirit because normally that means only one thing and Harmison ran out to get the Sambuca and the drinks with all fruit and sparklers in them and was shouting “Go on The Admiral, get that down you son” but Flintoff says no he wasn’t calling for that spirit on this occasion and Harmison looked dead disappointed and went and sat on his own to play with his blanket.

Then Straussy says “Look here Belly old chap there might have to be some changes around here” and I says I know, we can’t go on as we are with the current situation, with some people who will remain nameless (called Kevin) are hogging the Official Team Mooresy Memorial Laptop to check their online banking balance day and night and others of us can’t even get a look in to play Grand Theft Auto: Streets Of Edgbaston for five minutes.

Straussy says that wasn’t quite what he was driving at and I says well obviously because he’s not allowed to be driving at anything any more what with his hand-eye co-ordination being shot to shit (this is what Kevin said to say) but Straussy just sighed and looked sad and Ali Cook tried to give him a back rub but Struassy told him to bugger off and concentrate on keeping Owais locked in that hamper.

All in all, we’re raring to go for Antigua.

Alan Tyers has been minding Ian Bell this week