England fans might have their work cut out as the team play South Africa in a tough programme of 73 limited overs matches prior to the Tests, but even the most middling of middle overs will simply fly by with our NHS-endorsed binge-drinking intake monitor

• Ali Cook lights up Twenty20 with nuggety 25 of 57 balls – one finger per boundary (max one finger)
• England seam line-up suffering a few niggles – one finger for each bowler that makes it onto the field
• Paul Collingwood promises “we’ll learn from this and move on” – keep drinking until Paul uses the expression “obviously we’ll be looking to bounce back”
• Commentator describes Stuart Broad as “very intelligent cricketer” – one finger
• Stuart Broad “testing Graeme Smith’s technique against short ball” for a whole over – two fingers
• Graeme Smith keeps panelling ball to square leg boundary – drink whatever is left in your glass after you’ve hurled it at TV
• Adil Rashid insists “I’m not the new Monty. At least, I really hope not” – one finger per variant delivery
• Stuart Broad tells interviewer “I’m not the new Andrew Flintoff” – one finger
• Luke Wright tells interviewer “I’m not the new Stuart Broad” – two fingers
• Andrew Flintoff tells interviewer “I’m not the new Darren Gough, but it is a massive opportunity for me to be on Hole In The Wall and a great way to get in shape for representing England” – one finger per nightmare you have at sight of Goughie ‘n’ Freddie in leotards
• South Africa need 25 off last five – drink one finger for each maiden played out by Jacques Kallis
• Commentators say “ooh, you’d have him in your side in a heartbeat” about Jacques – one finger
• England batsman scores boundary off spinner – open champagne
• Wake up with a start in middle overs of England innings – drain glass in effort to fall back asleep
• Every single South African in Bullring holding up banner saying “KP: we hate you” – one finger
• Pietersen declares “the crowds have really warmed to me” – two fingers per two-fingered gesture from drunken Proteas fan in background of TV interview
• Jonathan Trott celebrates victory for correct team – finish bottle and go to bed

By Alan Tyers