Every Friday we’ll be picking a classic cricket book that has been reviewed in TWC to help you pass the weekend. Make your recommendations in the comments below.

What is it?
Fatty Batter – How Cricket Saved My Life (Then Ruined It) by Michael Simkins (Ebury Press)

What’s it all about then?
The actor and Guardian columnist, Michael Simkins, hilariously and evocatively remembers how his early love of cricket turned into a lifelong obsession.

What did we give it?
5/5

What did we say?
This is so funny and shrewd, self-deprecating, evocative, observant and laugh-out-loud-true that any reader will ration its reading to make it last while desperately hoping the author may turn out to be a long-lost cousin.

In 1966, aged 10 and while consuming a chocolate bar with gourmand intensity, young Simkins happens to see Colin Milburn on television coming down the pavilion steps. “He barrels down, two at a time, his huge stomach wobbling up and down each tread like a giant blancmange, the flesh straining against the flimsy buttons of his cricket shirt. He seems an amalgam of every fat kid who has ever sat in the corner of a school changing room having gym shoes thrown at him by his classmates.”

From this fatal attraction grows a fixation, initially fuelled by solitary games of Owzthat between players he names, (for sweet-related reasons) Callard and Bowser. With a plastic beach bat he learns the rudiments of the game in the stock room of his parents’ sweet shop. The story of the acquisition of his first flannels could be by Dickens out of the Brothers Grimm. Cricket inspires him to get into grammar school and slow down on the creme eggs.

In real life, he also says, he is so bad at it it’s funny. Except the chapters where he becomes a ball-by-ball commentator, passes for an MCC member, invents and organises a Sunday team and finds himself a plaything of Hardyesque gods, caught between the last day of the final Ashes Test of 2005 and a nice little earner in a TV drama with Martine McCutcheon, seem cumulatively to suggest he’s rather better than he’s letting on.
Gillian Reynolds, July 2007

What did they say?
‘An instant classic’ – Stephen Fry
‘Once you’ve read this account of one man’s love affair with cricket, you’ll never want to read another ghosted autobiography again’ – Michael Atherton

Someone must have hated it?
Overly fond of sweets, it wasn’t long before Simkins became addicted to cricket. Unfortunately, he also quickly discovered that the real pleasure to be had in playing cricket depends on who you are playing with – and that many cricket teams are full of childish, dull, reactionary half-wits.

Misogyny plays its part too, as anyone restrained enough to make their way through the whole of this book without stabbing it with a fork will find out. If you like stories about sweaty, middle-aged men revelling in their own inadequacies, you’ll love this. A truly suburban effort.
Tom Tomaszewski in the Independent, who gave it 2/5

Why not tell us what your favourite cricket book is, or which book you’d like to see in ‘The weekend read’ in the comments below …

TWC.com reader Alex Fensome is the second winner of our My Favourite Cricketer competition for his entry on Zimbabwe spinner Ray Price

I can’t remember exactly when I became infatuated with Zimbabwean cricket. It was a while back. They are all heroes to me, from Flower and Streak through to blokes who never even wore the falcon. They played in places called Matabeleland and Kadoma, Kwekwe and Chimanimani. They were tough men who shot animals and attended boarding schools and despite never being able to match the rest of the cricket world man-for-man they never gave up. They hated losing, even if they lost more often than not. For me one player more than any other typifies them.

Ray Price should never have played international cricket. He is partially deaf, caused by meningitis caught as a premature baby which he beat the odds to survive. The operation he had at six to restore his hearing affected his coordination so badly it took years of effort to reach even a normal level. Yet he became an international cricketer, and a good one, a miser from Mashonaland. As a dyspraxic, knowing someone had faced a worse coordination-affecting condition- far worse- gave me new hope. He inspired me to work harder at cricket, to never give up, to always try to play the game I loved. I followed his career unstintingly; he became my hero, a human counterpart to Andy Flower’s astronomically distant feats.

It helped that he was a lot of fun to watch bowling. Any Price spell is full of ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’, theatrical gestures, laughter, glares, perplexed looks as one of his stratagems fails to defeat his foe. He is a good bowler. But he could make himself out a genius. As the nation plunged into the abyss and all hopes for the future of the sport there disappeared, he raged against the dying of Zimbabwe’s light as much, in his way, as Flower did. He still does even now, taking 4-22 and hitting 24* to scramble a victory over Bangladesh, and continually tying down the best in one-sided contests in front of sparse crowds . He once said he hated to lose and didn’t like drawing; you can tell in everything he does. And like most of his countrymen, he never, ever gives up until it’s all over. They still haven’t given up even though hope seems to diminish with every passing day.

Ray’s finest hour was typical of Zimbabwe. It was 2003, the first Test against the West Indies, and a declining Zimbabwe had matched their opponents over four days in the shadow of Mugabe’s palace. Left with a day to bowl the Windies out, Ray twirled away almost without relief to take four wickets (he had taken six in the first innings), his celebrations mounting; ever more determined to prove the doubters wrong and show them Zimbabwe could still hack it.

As the sun began to set on the beautiful old ground, he took the ninth wicket. But Zimbabwe would pay a cruel penalty for a freak accident; on the third morning, a ball had dribbled under the roller as Robin Brown prepared the pitch, costing two hours of play. In failing light Heath Streak was forced to bowl the unthreatening Trevor Gripper, and no matter what Ray did he couldn’t break through at the other end. The Windies tail survived. God knows how Zimbabwe felt walking off that pitch. John Ward wrote at the time that they “paid the penalty for living in a country where nothing ever seems to go right”. For his part, Ray said he would have traded all ten of his wickets just to take the last one. I didn’t need to read that to know it.

Alex Fensome wins a year’s free subscription to The Wisden Cricketer

To enter submit no more than 600 words on your favourite cricketer to [email protected], subject line ‘favourite’

From The Desk (Unofficial) Of Vice Captain (Unofficial) Alastair Cook FEC

I’m writing to you from my unofficial office at the back of the changing room, which someone has helpfully written ‘FEC’ all over, as well as some messages in Afrikaans which I am sure are very supportive.

It’s flattering, but at the moment my job is just to help Straussy in any way I can. He says it’s important that I get a 50-odd and then get back in the dressing room sharpish “to try and keep the fellows from tearing each other limb from limb” and that’s what I aim to do.

There’s certainly a lot to take in as the new unofficial vice captain. I’ve been co-opted onto the prestigious ‘Excuses For Owais Shah’ committee, whose job is to think of reasons for leaving Owais out. I’m also on the ‘Sporting Chance Jolly Boys For The Future’ committee, because one of the great things about this team is that there are lads in it who look like they could be quality players for years to come. In the bowling department we’ve got the likes of Broady, and let’s not forget the batting, with players such as Broady.

A key element of our recent success has been continuity of selection, so I’ll sometimes be given a little task to ensure that we can continue with our tried-and-tested top six, such as poking Owais in the eye with a stick or telling Rob Key that doughnuts aren’t available abroad.

I just want to clear up one little matter that has raised its head in the dreaded media: there was no significance at all in my not being in the front row of the team photograph. Once I had got out of the cupboard Freddie had accidentally locked me in, after accidentally picking me up and stuffing me in, I was just in time for the photo and it didn’t seem worth turfing one of the older lads out of a seat, especially when they told me I’d be singing treble for the rest of my life if I tried it! Great banter!

For leadership (unofficial) tips, I’ve been reading one of my favourite books: ‘Graham Gooch’s The Art Of Captaincy’ (Keith Fletcher Press, price negotiable) which is full of useful hints about getting the lads into line. I’m slightly worried that I may have injured Ryan Sidebottom by making him run round the outfield 400 times before breakfast but, as Goochie always says, if you can’t run a marathon in lead diving boots while punching yourself in the face, you shouldn’t be playing cricket.

Alan Tyers is not holding the microphone

I find that most of life’s knocks can be tempered if couched in cricket terms. Friends have made a lot of scornful and disbelieving noises recently after I’ve informed them that my new driving instructor is, in fact, my fifth. But I console myself by thinking of this odd achievement as like picking up a “five-fer”.

Imagine my joy when 15 minutes into my first lesson with the new chap, I engineered the conversation around to cricket and it turned out that he too is a massive fan.

This has been fantastic for me, as it means that my gearbox scrapes and uncanny knack of turning on the hazard lights whenever I corner have been forgiven on account of my being happy to absorb his insights in to the Australia-South Africa series. “Australia is a side in transition. It would be wrong for Ponting to hand over to anyone now,” he said yesterday, as I attempted to give way to a parked car in Mill Hill.

He soon realised that I understood aspects of driving technique much quicker, if he explained them using cricketing analogies.

I had a tendency to cling too tightly to the steering wheel and so he told me that I must relax a little.

“It’s as if you’re batting against a spinner. You’ll be much more successful if you use soft hands.”

When clear road opened ahead of us, I wasn’t getting up to the speed quick enough.
“You’re getting bogged down,” he said. “Don’t just look to bat out a session. Take control, accelerate.”

I first obtained a provisional driving license in the late 1990s but I haven’t been having lessons all of that time, you understand, they’ve been sporadic. In cricketing terms my driving record would be roughly equivalent to Derek Pringle’s Test career – 30 matches spread out over more than a decade and with varying degrees of success and control.

Much has changed in the world of English cricket since I first tried to shoe-horn it into a conversation about lane-changing etiquette or manual transmission. Nasser Hussain and Duncan Fletcher were yet to form their crucial partnership. Stuart Broad was an opening batsman yet to experience a growth spurt. KP was the only member of the Natal B side dreaming of captaining England.

But my progress has been certainly less exciting than England’s and cricketing metaphors haven’t been able to help all aspects of my driving.

“What would a cricket coach say about my parallel parking?” I asked the instructor this afternoon.

He pondered the question for a long time, scratching his head and creasing his brow. What nuggets of wisdom were about to fall from his pensive lips? What cricketing inspiration was going to unlock the mysteries of this fiendish manoeuvre?

“I imagine,” he eventually said, “that they would think it was shit.”

Miles Jupp is an actor, comedian and cricket fan

Andrew Strauss’s cab finally leaves the rank next Wednesday, as England take on the West Indies in the first Test at Kingston. With KP seeming to have settled happily back into the masses, Strauss has other issues to deal with as he selects his first England team with the guidance of assistant-coach Andy Flower.

So should Strauss continue Pietersen’s hard-line stance against an apparently out-of-shape Steve Harmison, or rely on Harmison’s reputation to terrify a fragile West Indies top-order?

Which two will live happily-ever-after in the Ian Bell-Paul Collingwood-Owais Shah love triangle? And Monty or Graeme? Does it even matter?

It’s taut and tense stuff in this week’s TWC summit …

Read the rest of this entry »

England’s cricketers won’t be the only ones adapting to life under a new regime over the next few months. Surrey’s players will return from their winter to face an array of new coaches and no fewer than 5 other counties have undergone what, in management speak, might be termed ‘high-end structural realignment’.

Sussex lost it’s head coach four years ago (his name was Peter Moores - you might remember him) and everyone associated with the club worried the results would suffer as players adapted to the new ideas and style of the replacement. In our case however, Moores was substituted by the then second team coach, Mark Robinson.

Being familiar with the structure that Moores had set up so successfully, Robinson was intelligent enough not to alter too much. Instead, subtle changes were made. We were given more autonomy during training sessions. Team meetings were shorter, sharper but more frequent. Practice sessions were more relevant to the upcoming match (if we were to face Steve Harmison, for example, everyone would have to face the bowling machine cranked up to 90 mph and aimed at our throats).

The fundamentals, however, stayed the same. We were reminded of the code of conduct, pride and passion required to represent our county. The bowlers were to concentrate on the basics of line and length with a bit of aggression thrown into the mix. The batsmen should continue to concentrate on watching the ball and nothing else. And, perhaps most crucially, we were to wrap cotton wool around our match-winner, Mushtaq Ahmed. All these things had helped the team win the championship in 2003 and it would have been a foolish man who altered the status quo just for the sake of it.

The strategy bore fruit immediately. Sussex won the championship in 2006 and 2007, Robinson’s first two seasons, and added the C&G and Pro40 Trophies in 2006 and 2008.

Sussex’s change in coach was forced on them somewhat by Moores’s elevation to the England ranks. Most of the changes to the county set-ups in 2009, however, have occurred as a result of disappointing team performances and the new coaches might have to be somewhat less subtle in their modifications.

How Chris Adams copes with the multi-egoed Surrey team will be interesting to follow. Surrey have a number of very talented cricketers on their books who have underperformed considerably over the past few years (Mark Ramprakash aside) and, being an uncompromising leader, Adams will want to rock the boat a little. It wouldn’t be surprising to see a marked upturn in their performances early next season. When football teams change manager it often spurs the players on as they try to impress the new Gaffer. But the Surrey players need to fully embrace any changes Adams makes and whether they do will be key to their future success.

The role of the head coach and his minions during a long county season should not be underestimated. Some people might be of the opinion that county cricket is a comfortable world full of cosseted, precious egos but, for the most part that is unfair. It is hard graft much of the time and all players need the security that strong, stable leadership can deliver.

Stable is not a word I’d use to describe England’s leadership of recent times and it will be intriguing to see how they cope in the West Indies. Andrew Strauss might think he can organise training sessions, team meetings and on-field tactics without a head coach to share the burden but it will this extra responsibility affect his form? If he can maintain his form, or perhaps more importantly his confidence, his players will respond positively. If there is any sense amongst the ranks that the captain is not in total control of the situation the whispers and dreaded ‘cliques’ that clearly destabilised the team will quickly reappear.

Robin Martin-Jenkins is an allrounder with Sussex

Sooner or later certain England fans are going to have to admit that their suspicion of Kevin Pietersen says more about them than it does about him. For some, his decision to leave South Africa will always be a copybook blot, proof of both his mercenary nature and his uncanny ability to find the ‘I’ in team. But it is time to move on from a decision he made as an ambitious, headstrong young man. And it is certainly time to give the old stereotypes about egocentricity a rest.

Pietersen’s hundred in St Kitts in his first innings for an England XI since resigning the captaincy was a typically well-timed retort for those who thought he would struggle to settle back into the rank and file. Just as tellingly, early reports suggest he has declined to snip the end off team-mates’ socks, turned his nose up at nailing their cricket bags to the dressing-room floor, and drawn the line at blowing raspberries during Andrew Strauss’s team talks.

Whisper it, but he has been extremely professional. Since one of his first acts after losing the job was to talk on the phone to a trusted confidant about how to refocus on his batting under what he knew would be a blinding spotlight, this really shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise. The man has never given himself less than the best chance of succeeding.

Sure, there was a momentary lapse when, referring to the new coaching structure after he made his hundred on Sunday, he mentioned that Strauss had got “what I wanted”. And he took the opportunity to defend himself in his first press conference since his News of the World interview, as he was entitled to. But when the Book of Great Cricket Gaffes is finally put together, the “what I wanted” utterance will be well down the list.

So what? you might think. Bloke keeps mouth relatively shut: the rosette is in the post. But by the standards of modern cricket diplomacy – and taking into account Pietersen’s occasional tendency towards gaucheness – this is a restrained effort. To cite an extreme example, Shane Warne spent years mocking John Buchanan in public and getting away with it. He also derided Adam Gilchrist in his 2001 autobiography, saying that leadership suited the Fonz-types better than Gilchrist’s Richie Cunningham. But Warne survived because he was a one-off.

As the closest thing England have to a one-off, Pietersen could easily take the same attitude. Instead, he has got his head down. This doesn’t mean he will stop giving honest answers to straightforward questions, but that has always been his way. In early 2004, before he had played for England, I interviewed him on an A tour of India, and came away impressed by his frankness. He said he felt some of his colleagues were trying too hard to catch the coach Rod Marsh’s eye; he admitted he sometimes didn’t treat bowlers with enough respect; and, moments after telling me he couldn’t talk about his then delicate situation with Nottinghamshire, he explained why it was “most definitely a distraction”.

The hidebound world of professional sport is healthier for shows of honesty. Especially when it is espoused by a player who sets himself such high standards – and more often than not meets them.

Lawrence Booth writes on cricket for the Guardian. His third book, Cricket, Lovely Cricket? An Addict’s Guide to the World’s Most Exasperating Game is out now published by Yellow Jersey

England’s brave new dawn under Captain Strauss and sidekick Cookie.

Andrew Flintoff needs an Alka Seltzer.

Ian Bell may not be able to see over Stuart Broad, but he won’t be the only faceless person in the photo.

Tim Ambrose is the human Humpty Dumpty.

Graeme Swann just cannot resist making a stupid face.

Alastair Cook does little to dispel rumours that he is a cardboard cutout.

KP’s head may be the only thing big enough to cover Harmy’s tummy.

Adil Rashid is utterly terrified – media training never prepared him for anything like this.

Owais Shah is practising his umpiring – his most realistic chance of getting Test action.

Siders is the smartest of the lot.

And Straussy smiles – totally unaware of the carnage behind him.

Sam Collins is website editor of thewisdencricketer.com

In the first of TWC.com’s new weekly interview feature Benj Moorehead interviews Lord Marland

Lord Jonathan Marland, a successful businessman and former treasurer of the Conservative party, is challenging Giles Clarke for the chairmanship of the ECB. Voting papers have been sent out to the 18 counties and the MCC. Results are expected shortly after the ballot closes on February 9. In 2004 Marland’s lobby group Sports Nexus published a damning report on the ECB called Lifting Cricket’s Fortunes.

Is running for ECB chairman something you’ve been working on for a long time?

No. I’ve been deeply frustrated for a while about the lack of performance of the team following. There is an unprecedented amount of money coming into the game, yet the management of the team seems set up to promote under-achievement. That rests on the shoulders of the ECB. In addition, if you survey the global scene of cricket, to a fan like myself, it’s apparent that we have lost our place at the top table of international cricket through various actions of the ECB. When I saw that the job for chairman was going unopposed I felt this was wholly wrong, and not in the best interests of cricket. The ECB has become a confrontational organisation and a private company. Transparency and information are very hard to come by. Decisions are made unilaterally.

Was this a decision you made relatively recently?

Yes, in the last month. The frustration developed over a period of time. The people who I go to watch cricket with are seething at the way cricket is run. My friends said to me, “c’mon, why don’t you have a go for it.” A number of my friends knew various county chairmen, who then came to me and said “we’d love you to be the candidate.”

How much did the Pietersen-Moores split influence your decision to run for chairman?

It was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Have you had much contact with the county boards over the years?

None.

Would you say you are well connected in the cricket world?

I’ve travelled the world watching cricket. I know the guys who run the Barmy Army, a lot of former cricketers and captains, and commentators.

Do you go on a lot of overseas tours?

Yes. One of my favourite holidays is watching every ball of a Test match in a wonderful country overseas with my sons and a few mates. I’m off to the Caribbean. I’ve never seen them play in Pakistan, which I’d like to do. I think one of the areas to think about is how important it is that we take a team to Afghanistan. Afghani cricket is developing. It’s gaining momentum.

Did you grow up with cricket?

My mother played for Lancashire Ladies at cricket when she was at school. She was a very keen cricket follower. I played cricket at prep school and, subsequently, not to a very high standard. I still trot out occasionally and keep wicket, which at 52 gets a lot harder.

Did you have any idols who you’d try to emulate in the back garden?

I was brought up near Warwickshire so a lot of the their players like Dennis Amiss. There was a phenomenal team then, with people like Rohan Kanhai and Alvin Kallicharran. I think one of the greatest sportsmen ever was Denis Compton.

Is your favourite form of cricket Test cricket?

Absolutely. Without being able to play Test cricket you can’t play any of the other formats.

Is it fair to describe you as a businessman?

I hope so. I’m involved in a variety of businesses. My whole approach to business is building teams and getting them to work together. Which is not what the ECB tends to do.

What was the response to the 2004 Sports Nexus report on the ECB?

It was totally ignored and treated with utter contempt by the ECB. I thought it showed the ECB in its true colours in refusing to even contemplate a dialogue on it. We rejoice in the fact that they have since taken on a lot of our ideas.

Do you think the counties have too much say in the running of English cricket?

They [the county boards] all have the game at heart. I generally believe that people who go into county administration have the best interests of the game at heart. So I don’t think that’s an issue. I’m disappointed that some counties have chosen not to hear my arguments – they have not contacted me or responded to the emails that I have sent them asking to meet with them, which I think is a terrible shame because it is important that we have this debate. The majority have [responded].

You’ve been a critic of sporting administrations in this country; are there any cricket bodies around the world that impress you?

I think that India have got their house in order. They’ve now got a world class cricket team. They’ve got an unrivalled amount of money coming into the game. There’s vibrancy in the cricket in their country. And you have to respect how they’ve set about that task.

If you win the election what would you do?

The first thing I’d do is thank those people who have been so helpful in getting me into this position. Then I would do a complete review of the way the ECB conducts itself and is managed; rebuild bridges with the Indian cricket board, the Australian board, and the South African board; see how I could get out of the Stanford [deal]; rebuild relationships with other media companies which are currently in tatters with a view to changing the Sky deal. I would also like to start establishing a capital regeneration fund to help counties establish a revenue-generative capital development.

You helped Boris Johnson with his campaign to become London mayor – have you been in contact with him recently?

I see him quite frequently. Boris and I had a wonderful time at the Test match at Lord’s last year. He’s great company and he’s doing a terrific job as mayor. He’s a great man. Very good for English politics. Very good for London.

Next week’s Tuesday chat is with newly-appointed Middlesex coach Angus Fraser, so put any questions you want asked below, or email [email protected] with subject line ‘Fraser’.

Nearly five years ago, we were sipping rum, munching on jerk chicken and watching the West Indies play England at Sabina Park. We weren’t there, we were watching it on telly. We just like to join in with the food and booze when England are on tour.

The West Indies were bowling and the commentary was predictable: if only there were some fast bowlers, the Windies could be strong again. (Everyone who loves cricket wants a strong West Indian side, but who exactly is volunteering to be on the receiving end?)

Against this backdrop of doom and gloom and with every man and his commentating team harking back to the past, Fidel Edwards bowled two balls to Marcus Trescothick which would have done justice to any bowler.

Actually, the first ball wasn’t bowled to Marcus Trescothick, it was very much bowled AT Marcus Trescothick. The batsman was very lucky that his head just happened to be an inch or so to one side, because he didn’t have much time to move. When we remember it now, we hear the sound of a laser gun. That may or may not be accurate. It definitely went for four byes though.

The following ball was full and straight and resulted in a different sound - the sound of a cricket stump exiting the ground. And by ground, we mean stadium.

Fast bowling seems very straightforward at these moments. Just keeping doing that and you won’t go far wrong, we thought.

Fidel Edwards recently took his 100th Test wicket, but he’s hardly been an unfettered success. Not many West Indian fast bowlers have had the chance to take 100 wickets when they’ve been averaging close to 40 their entire career. That’s roughly double the bowling average of Joel Garner, Malcolm Marshall, Curtly Ambrose et al.

However, the short-arsed, round-armed quick isn’t 27 for another week or so and in his last Test took career best figures of 7-87. Since he toured England in 2007, he’s averaged 30 and in the last 12 months he’s averaged 24.

Hopefully things have changed, although we’ll still be watching with a rum and some jerk chicken, because change isn’t always for the better.

See King Cricket‘s regular blog at www.kingcricket.co.uk. King Cricket is a cult figure in the world of cricket blogs and was TWC’s first Best-of-blogs winner in April 2008.