Don’t boo Ricky Ponting. It’s what he’s expecting. You’re playing right into his hands.

As a crowd, it’s important to always do what the opposition least expects you to do. If England supporters give Ponting a standing ovation on his way to the crease, the Tasmanian hand-spitter will be so taken aback he’ll probably spoon a catch straight back to the bowler first ball. It might be difficult to summon a standing ovation when you see Ricky Ponting walking out to bat, but if you blur your eyes he could maybe pass for ex-Glamorgan batsman, Tony Cottey, so try that. You’ll have to blur your eyes quite a bit because he doesn’t actually look anything like Tony Cottey. But still - give it a go.

The same philosophy can be applied for any of the Australians. Michael Clarke will probably expect a Michael Clarke style reception. Don’t pander to him. Welcome him in much the same way as you would welcome a South African all-rounder. If he happens to walk past you on his way out, address him directly and call him Brian McMillan.

Mitchell Johnson’s bowling spells usually commence to a soundtrack of sniggering. He’ll be immune to this now. Try crying. Try proper, full-on, Italian funeral crying. With wailing sounds filling the air and snot filling the stands, Johnson will surely be disconcerted enough to serve up one of his trademark looseners. You’ll want to laugh, but don’t. Test cricket is a game that rewards concentration and mental strength. Keep a lid on your true emotions and see if you can’t deliver a despairing nervous breakdown instead. Do it for England.

If Graham Manou plays, he’ll be expecting a quiet time. Do what he least expects: recognise him. Say: ‘Hey, it’s Graham Manou! Look everybody, it’s THE Graham Manou.’ You might need to make the effort to find out whether it’s MANou or maNOU, but this is the Ashes - there’s a lot of hard work that goes in behind the scenes. Do your bit.

And when Shane Watson appears, make a point of not using the word ‘metrosexual’. It’ll freak him out no end.