England women’s team captain reveals* email exchange with male counterparts

Andrew Strauss congratulated us on our most recent win, although he did say we should have batted on for another couple of hours to really make things safe. I tried to explain that it was a 50-over game but he just got impatient and said that he was sick of hearing how his team haven’t mastered the one-day format and changed the subject.

He asked me what positives I was taking from our recent performances. I just said “well, we won, so that, I guess…” but he said that was rather a one-dimensional view and that often the positives were more important than the result.

One of the other players, who I won’t name, asked us “didn’t we miss wuz bairns and wuz fellers and wuz mams and that and want to gan home?” I said that, actually, we really liked travelling to exciting foreign places with our mates and playing sport. He said he found that attitude sickening.

Kevin Pietersen said he was just really amazed that we’re doing what we’re doing. At first I thought it was going to be some sexist rubbish about women playing sport, but it turns out he meant playing for England rather than trying to get some sort of breakaway cash competition going.

There was no message from Ian Bell, which was a bit of a shame because a few of the girls quite like him. They say they want to mother him. Or beat him up; he divides opinion. And nothing from Ryan, either – also disappointing, as he’d promised to send some haircare tips. Apparently he was just typing them in when he felt his back go and he had to have a lie down on the floor for a few days.

Still, it was a nice gesture. I am sure we can learn from the men’s team. Nothing springs to mind right away, exactly, but still.

*not really. Alan Tyers made it up