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August 2009
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Barmy Army spokesman Derek Telford* defends treatment of Australia

August 6th, 2009 by Alan Tyers in Alan Tyers, Australia, England, Test cricket, The Ashes

The satisfying thwock of warm beer can on long leg’s head, the murmur of excitement as ‘You Are My Sunshine’ starts up on the trumpet for the 27th time that morning, the gentle ripple of obscenities as the opposition captain comes out to bat: the Barmy Army are an unforgettable part of the English cricket experience.

That’s why it was very sad this week to hear our members being accused of boorish behaviour in Birmingham.

Some of these fuddy-duddies are frankly living in the past: this is the 21st century, and cricket has to compete for the entertainment dollar like everything else. If you can go to a multiplex and shout out hilarious comments during the film, or go to a concert and talk loudly about the miles to the gallon you get in the Mondeo, then why would you go and watch cricket in near-silence?

Personally, I’m the sort of guy that can’t stand watching something passively. I have to be involved. For instance, I’ll be at home with the wife, watching Grey’s Anatomy of an evening, and I’ll liven things up with a bit of a sing-song: “Medical soap dramas! You only watch medical soap dramas!” that sort of thing.

Or I’ll sit behind her on the sofa and spill lager and ketchup down the back of her head. If she loses the rag, then I’ll go: “Ooooooooh handbags” or get some of my mates over to help glare at her until she goes and sits somewhere else. Like her sister’s house.

She thinks it’s hilarious: she gives as good as she gets with the banter and she’ll come right back with something like, “I’ve met someone else and I’m leaving you.” Great stuff and all in good fun.

Or if I’m at the cinema with like 35 of my closest mates – who wants to go anywhere on their own? Booooooring – and we’ll be watching the latest blockbuster with Russell Crowe, say. Every time Crowe comes on screen, we’ll boo. Or one of the boys will shout something brilliant at the screen like “Oi! Crowe! We’re building an idiot, can we borrow you?” which just goes to show that you can have a bit of humour, originality AND intelligence in the banter.

Crowe knows it’s just a bit of fun, and he doesn’t let it affect his performance. If only certain other Aussies were as tough, eh?

*Derek Telford may or may not represent the suppressed fervour of Alan Tyers

Posted in Alan Tyers, Australia, England, Test cricket, The Ashes |

2 Responses to “Barmy Army spokesman Derek Telford* defends treatment of Australia”

  1.   FCKing says:


  2.   lareigna says:

    Cannot believe I’ve only just discovered this blog and the genius of Alan Tyers. Just finished reading some of the older entries: Tyers, you magnificent, hilarious, mad bastard, you owe me a replacement can of ginger ale after the spit-take induced by ‘That’s what has got me where I am today: hiding from a baying mob in a bicycle repair shop, cradling a sobbing Steve Harmison and telling him that monkey’s going to pay for what it done.’ (KP’s online diary, November 13 ‘08)


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