How could it ever be a bad idea to make insanely competitive individuals play a sport that they’re crap at?

We’re talking about England’s football warm-ups of course. Joe Denly bust his knee yesterday, Matt Prior suffered a back spasm before the fourth Test and James Anderson twisted his ankle in Wellington. Many of England’s cricketers fancy themselves as skilled footballers, but they’re not. Cricketers aren’t footballers to the same degree that lemurs aren’t cyclists. They’re just built wrong. Yes, there have been a handful of players who’ve shown footballing competence, like Ian Botham and Graham Thorpe, but these men are not representative of the majority.

Take fast bowlers for example. Watch a fast bowler playing football and he looks like a giraffe in a boy band struggling manfully with complex choreography. Fast bowlers legs can propel them in straight lines and also make them leap for their delivery stride. Everything else is totally alien. Watch them bat if you don’t believe us.

Batsmen are no better. Batsmen can’t bear any ball to be in front of them - it has to be to the side. Not only that, but it has to be on the correct side. Left-handed batsmen need the ball on their right. Right-handed batsmen need the ball on their left. If it’s anywhere else, they flip out, make baby noises and repeatedly punch themselves in the side of the head. A ball in front of them distorts their whole view of the world. To have some idea what it’s like for them, imagine that when you hit your car brakes, the car accelerates; imagine gravity drags things upwards; imagine you can bear Saturday night TV. It’s that distressing for them.

Cricketers should warm up appropriately. They should just stand there and maybe clap once every couple of minutes.

King Cricket blogs at www.kingcricket.co.uk. He is a cult figure in the world of cricket blogs and was TWC’s first Best-of-blogs winner in April 2008.