Australia are in India.

Are you excited?

I thought so.

India v Australia, or the bastard-monkey cup, is the most exciting Test series in the world.

The last Test series was chock full of little chunks of gold.

It also taught us a little something about ourselves.

Let’s look at the bastard-monkey life lessons.

NEVER TRUST AN AUSTRALIAN
Ok, most of us knew that before, but Anil Kumble found out the hard way.

ANDREW SYMONDS IS STEVE BUCKNOR’S LOVE CHILD
Although that isn’t true, I bet I could find 10 Indians in an hour willing to vouch for it.

TEST CRICKET IS NOT TIDDLYWINKS
We can thank Cricket Australia’s Head Administracrat James Sutherland for his expert clarification there.

MONKEY IS AN OFFENSIVE WORD
Probably best to not say it, or say anything that sounds like it, or not say it but look like you want to.

BASTARD IS AN OFFENSIVE WORD
Although it’s been used by Australian sides since ‘the Demon’ Fred Spofforth was around, if it is said after a monkey incident, it’s offensive, for a week or so.

MICHAEL CLARKE IS A BOWLER AGAINST INDIA
While Brad Hogg bowled like a troglodyte swinging a limp Salmon in Sydney, he took three wickets in an over to win the Test and set alongside his six for nine in Mumbai.

INDIAN TAILENDERS ARE EITHER DUMB OR CHEATS
Ishant Sharma obviously went to the Bob Willis school of batting preparation before taking out two right gloves at the end of the Sydney Test, or he is a cheat. Both are acceptable.

BOWLERS CAN APPEAL FOR ANYTHING, AND NOT BE CHEATS
Anil Kumble was happy to say Australia were not playing within Peter Roebuck’s spirit of cricket, and then appeal for LBW decisions that wouldn’t have hit an 18th stump.

IF YOU QUESTION RICKY PONTING’S INTEGRITY THE HAIRS ON HIS ARMS STICK UP
If you think Ponting has grounded a catch, and you have video proof, best to keep it to yourself.

VIRENDER SEHWAG IS NOT A MAN
He is a God, and his batting is a religion called Sehwagology. In its historic text are many victories over the great Heathens.

THE BCCI HAS PLANES SITTING BY AT ALL TIMES
A flock of them, all kitted up so they can fit Sourav Ganguly’s ego, Lalit Modi’s money and India’s indignation.

MATTHEW HAYDEN HATES GARDENING
Especially those obnoxious little turban-wearing, commando-rolling, Ponting-nemesis-type weeds.

INDIA & AUSTRALIA SECRECTLY LOVE EACH OTHER
Sort of like Niles & CC from the Nanny, Australia & India hide their mutual love through wise cracks and general bitchiness, but we can read between the lines.

So that is what we have learnt, but what will happen this time?

Cameron White to get two 10-wicket-hauls and release a hit single.

Rahul Dravid to make a run-a-ball hundred and then celebrate naked at midnight on the pitch with a cigar and a blow-up doll.

Shane Watson to perform so well that he justifies his selection and doesn’t work out in the gym once.

And Harbhajan Singh to take fewer wickets than some bloke called Jason and keep quiet.

What a series it could be, I can’t wait for the name calling.

Jrod is an Australian cricket blogger, his site Cricketwithballs.com won July’s Best of Blogs in TWC