Present Via Webcam: Giles Clarke, Dennis Amiss, Jack Simmons, David Collier, Keith Bradshaw, Nigel Hilliard, Sir William Morris, Stephanie Sexxx.

Apologies: Geoffrey Voletrouser (plotting relaunch of Woolworth’s), The Bishop Of Durham (attending Macworld conference), Giles Giles (fact-finding mission to Aruba), Fishy Tucker (deceased).

Agenda: Uppity Bok and what to do about it; possible introduction of slimline tonic into committee room minibar.

Minutes: After some technical difficulties with the “webcam’ and the “computers” it became clear that Stephanie Sexxx was not a board member after all and that there had been a mix-up with the “web address”, although motion to have Ms Sexxx accepted onto the board for future meetings was carried unanimously bar just one abstention (F Tucker).

It was felt by all members that this Pietersen johnny had got a bit too big for his boots and the whole matter was just beyond the pale.

At least one member felt that we should have sorted his type out at Mafeking when we had the chance and that the Bok were basically no-good rotters.

It was also speculated as to whether the Bishop of Durham could have Desmond Tutu in a fight.

Attempting to draw the meeting back to the matter at hand, the chairman asked members to consider Pietersen’s demands.

It was felt that Pietersen’s request “to have a massive great big temple built in my honour like MS Dhoni is getting in India” was unrealistic.

One tentative proposed solution was to ask Sir Allen Stanford to pay for the temple but then sneer at him behind his back while taking his money.

It was agreed to wait and see what the Indians did and then desperately try to catch up while pretending we thought of it first.

As to the claim that Pietersen “had lost the dressing room” several members felt that there was no shame in a chap getting a bit confused after a good lunch and that it could have happened to anyone.

Peter Moores was generally felt to be an irritating squit.

However, members expressed concern that Pietersen would only grow more insufferable with time, with one asking “imagine how demanding he’ll become if we actually win any cricket matches”.

In the end, Pietersen’s “it’s me or him” ultimatum was put to a vote, with three votes for “me”, three for “him”, one for Eoghan Quigg and one for the UK Independence Party.

It was felt best to get shot of both Pietersen and Moores and the committee turned its attention to the thorny matter of the slimline tonic.

As recorded by Alan Tyers and definitely not leaked by anyone in the England set-up, none of whom would ever stoop to such a thing