Recent Comments

February 2009
« Jan   Mar »

Miles Jupp: A nightmare in every room

February 12th, 2009 by Miles Jupp in England

When I watch or listen to cricket I am just as superstitious as players themselves. If England are building a partnership I don’t like to move from my position, whatever that is. If we start losing wickets, then I try to move around a find somewhere to stand or sit that will bring us more luck. Saturday, in this regard, was a nightmare.

Some friends had come round for the afternoon, people without any regard for cricket’s more obvious aspects, let alone its subtleties and I was trying to keep an ear out for the score, while also attempting to be a generous and courteous host. Although we were in the sitting room, I was only allowed to have the radio on in the kitchen, and so whenever I heard any loud roar I would grab a random object from the table and say that I was off to refill it.

This system could only survive until the teams came off for lunch. Once play resumed, a fresh roar brought me and the teapot to the kitchen to hear the dismal news that Pietersen was out. I knew then that I would have to abandon our tea party and find a new location to bring us luck.

For six agonising overs I stood next to the fridge listening to Strauss and Collingwood do nothing. Then my wife came in to get milk out of the fridge, I had to move out of the way and Strauss knicked one to the keeper. I had barely had time to sit down on our bed before Collingwood succumbed to Taylor. People often talk about Collingwood’s gritty determination and nothing exemplified this more than his brave attempt to run two despite being bowled. Even though I was over 5,500 miles away, I knew he was out before he’d cottoned on to it.

I stood in our tiny hallway for just four deliveries, the last of which took the wicket of Prior. I was fast running out of places to go and so returned to our sitting room and guests.

“Oh you’re back,” said my wife, who’d been calling for some minutes inquiring as to my whereabouts.

It was not to be for long though as Stuart Broad had soon pushed a slow ball straight into the hands of Marshall at short leg.

“Can’t stay,” I said and left the room again. I had now exhausted all the rooms in the flat but one. And so it was that I spent the entirety of Flintoff and Sidebottom’s 24 run partnership pacing around in our bathroom. This was the most successful location I had yet encountered. Then the inevitable happened. People may think that their partnership ended because Sidebottom was trapped LBW but it was actually because one of our guests needed to use the lavatory.

England had two wickets remaining, and I still had two spots to find. I stood downstairs by our front door for 10 minutes until Harmison succumbed and had only just managed to perch myself onto a strange and hitherto unused microscopic mezzanine thing that juts out over the stairs when Flintoff was bowled.

England will hopefully take many lessons from their appalling display at Sabina Park, but what I learnt is that if they continue to play like this we shall need a much bigger flat.

Miles Jupp is an actor, comedian and cricket fan

Posted in England | No Comments »

Belly: A change is gonna come

February 12th, 2009 by Alan Tyers in Alan Tyers, England

I can’t say that I’ve enjoyed this week much. There’s been meetings and sessions and get-togethers pretty much morning noon and night and my arms are all worn out from holding my hands up. And it’s easy for people like Fred to thump the table and say we got to get some team spirit and we got to stand up and be counted but I liked it better under Mooresy because he let you sit down while you were counted and just put your hand up to say you were being counted and that way you always got your Lucozade and a Protein Biscuit and no one tried to take it off you not even Fred. That was a fair system I reckon.

The meeting got a bit confused when Fred thumped the table and asked for the team spirit because normally that means only one thing and Harmison ran out to get the Sambuca and the drinks with all fruit and sparklers in them and was shouting “Go on The Admiral, get that down you son” but Flintoff says no he wasn’t calling for that spirit on this occasion and Harmison looked dead disappointed and went and sat on his own to play with his blanket.

Then Straussy says “Look here Belly old chap there might have to be some changes around here” and I says I know, we can’t go on as we are with the current situation, with some people who will remain nameless (called Kevin) are hogging the Official Team Mooresy Memorial Laptop to check their online banking balance day and night and others of us can’t even get a look in to play Grand Theft Auto: Streets Of Edgbaston for five minutes.

Straussy says that wasn’t quite what he was driving at and I says well obviously because he’s not allowed to be driving at anything any more what with his hand-eye co-ordination being shot to shit (this is what Kevin said to say) but Straussy just sighed and looked sad and Ali Cook tried to give him a back rub but Struassy told him to bugger off and concentrate on keeping Owais locked in that hamper.

All in all, we’re raring to go for Antigua.

Alan Tyers has been minding Ian Bell this week

Posted in Alan Tyers, England | No Comments »

Site by Anson Robson Marketing © 2010 The Wisden Cricketer All Rights Reserved