I thought it would be good to have a word with the other lads up for the England No.3 spot and say “may the best man win” and such like.

“Michael Vaughan,” I say to them, “Has always said that Michael Vaughan has to go back to Yorkshire and score runs— ”

Belly looks confused. More than usual, I mean.

“Who’s he talking about?” he says, picking at the sleeve of his Official Power Rangers performance fabric training jerkin.

“Michael refers to himself in the third person sometimes,” explains Big Bob Key.

“So it’s already decided?” says Belly, his face falling. “Coach Flower has already decided who is the third person and nothing we do – not even a big ton showing considerable powers of mental stamina at Taunton – is going to change nothing and put us in the frame for the curtain-raiser against West Indies?”

“No, no,” says Owais, gripping his bat handle tightly and shivering intensely. “Michael talks about himself as if he were another person. He feels it adds gravitas.”

Belly considers this for a long time.

“Oh for Christ’s sake Belly,” snaps Owais. “Gravitas. It means like weight.”

“Like Bob?” asks Belly.

Owais breaks his bat in half.

“NO. For crying out loud,” says Owais. He tries to calm himself down by trying some circular breathing exercises and positive visualisation techniques that he heard Ramps did during rehearsals for Strictly Come Dancing.

“Bloody cheek, anyway,” says Bob. “It’s me glands. And the Scotch eggs.”

“Look,” I say. “What Michael Vaughan is trying to say is that it should be about who is scoring runs at the moment and not previous performances.”

“That’s lucky for this Michael Vaughan bloke,” says Belly. “Cos he was absolutely toilet the last few times he played.”

“CALM CALM CALM!” shouts Owais.

“Tell you what though,” Belly continues. “You and this Michael Vaughan bloke – you’re the absolute spit of him.”

I shut my eyes and think about Australia 2002. Bob eats his Scotch egg thoughtfully. Owais vibrates.

By Alan Tyers