Steve Harmison: “Andy has got broad shoulders. And nice long arms. That’s important in a coach, nice long arms. He could really be the sort of coach to put an arm round a player. Possibly give him a cuddle. That can make a big difference, a cuddle.”

Kevin Pietersen: “Look, today isn’t about Kevin Pietersen. It’s about Andy Flower. And how Andy Flower is going to respond to Kevin Pietersen. So, in a way, it is very much about Kevin Pietersen. I just hope Andy realises that. Kevin Pietersen certainly does, let me assure you.”

Headhunting Firm Odgers Ray & Berndtson: “The non-recruitment specialist would of course be unable to appreciate just how much expertise is required to search for months and months throughout the world of cricket before eventually appointing the man who was already doing the job. Can we have our money now, please?”

Duncan Fletcher: “I’m concerned that Andy doesn’t tick all the right boxes. Nationality: tick. Stoic nature: tick. Willingness to wear hat: tick. But why hasn’t he picked Ashley Giles at number eight? It’s a huge gamble, no doubt about it.”

Andrew Flintoff: “I voted for Snapey, personally. He’s got exactly the sort of top-level cocktail-making experience the dressing room needs.”

Ian Bell: “Changes had to be made. We were beaten heavily, again, so someone has to have a go and it was Andy’s turn.”

Sir Allen Stanford: “This guy’s as safe as the Bank Of England. Well, The Bank Of Antigua, maybe. I’ll punch anyone who says different right up their goddamn wazoo.”

Lalit Modi: “As long as any potential future IPL commitments allow, Andy is most welcome to coach England and whichever of their players are unwanted by our league.”

Hugh Morris: “Andy was categorically our first choice, and that was confirmed when we spoke to Tom Moody, Graham Ford, John Buchanan, John Dyson, Geoff Lawson and John Wright about the role but only to pick their brains about giving Andy the job because he was our first choice.”

Samit Patel: “He’s into something called ‘fitness-based coaching’ apparently. Oh great.”

By Alan Tyers