Injured all-rounder’s hindquarters reveal all about bum-muscle scan scare

This last week really brought home the ups and downs of being a professional sportsman’s bottom. Needing a scan at this stage of an international tournament is obviously a massive disappointment and it’s sad to think that last time I was getting this much media coverage, it was for being naked in Cosmopolitan.

Believe me, having people write: “Is Broad’s arse suffering from fatigue?” and “StuBo’s bum burnout” is a hell of a long way from walking down the street and hearing people shouting: “Cor look at the buns on that highly promising young allrounder, what an incredible temperament for a young derrière”, and I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t got to me.

It’s like Andrew Flintoff’s bum said to me one afternoon: “This game has a funny way of biting you in the arse”, or at least that’s what I think it was trying to say. Freddie had been out for a few looseners and an isotonic king prawn bhuna before training and his arse was all over the place in all fairness, and that’s no fun in a crowded dressing room in Chennai, formerly Madras, but I think I got the gist.

The medical team reckon I may have picked up this niggle from being kissed so constantly by the English media. Apparently there is an actual medical condition called over-hyporectalicking that young English allrounders are especially vulnerable to. Even more worryingly, this can turn into Pringle’s Ringpiece later in life, when everyone realises the arse was actually a bit substandard all along and gives it a right good kicking.

It can be quite a debilitating condition – just look at poor old Ronnie Irani’s arse, which is so desperate for even a little bit of kissing that Ronnie takes it on Talksport for 30 quid a pop and all the Bombay Mix he can stuff in his glove compartment.

I really hope I can recover soon because it’s been great being out here in South Africa and it was a real boost to compete against some of the biggest arses in world cricket. The likes of Jacques Kallis and Graeme Smith are true giants of the sporting posterior world and it was an honour to share a pitch with them. As an all-round bottom, when you look at the arse of a Jacques Kallis it really humbles you. I know I’ve got a long way to go if I’m going to grow into an fleshy part of the thigh of that size, but I’m learning all the time.

Stuart Broad’s Arse was talking to Alan Tyers