REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE WON’T WORK

• It isn’t premier. Especially when it has a second division. Unless they call the first division the premier premier league.

• Twenty teams? 12 too many.

• It’s scheduled for June. On average, June is far wetter than May and July.

• Few people in England want to see Leicestershire v Northamptonshire, so why will anyone from abroad want to watch it?

• Fireworks and laser shows in Derby? You have to be kidding – they’re still working out how to combat the sun.

• They haven’t announced any cheerleaders! Why not?

• So, twenty teams. Each team is likely to have four international stars. So there needs to be at least 80 box-office international cricketers to spread around. There are barely 30 in the world.

• Bill Frindall will have to work so quickly that his beard will catch alight.

• The majority of the matches will be played in front of around 6,000 people. Hardly an atmosphere to rival the IPL.

• Giles Clarke will probably attend every much in Allen Stanford’s helicopter and point at people he doesn’t know like they’re his best mate.

• The current Twenty20 Cup, which will run over three months, will be redundant.

• There won’t be enough money to go around to afford all of the big-name stars

• Shilpa Shetty isn’t involved. Hmmm. Does Charlotte Church like cricket?

REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE WILL WORK

• It won’t.

Daniel Brigham is assistant editor of The Wisden Cricketer