“Now, I know there has been some twittering among the younger boys about whackings, but let me make it quite clear that nobody has anything to fear from Matron Strauss and myself so long as he practices hard, does his bit with the bat even if the team is not doing well – you know to whom I am referring – and does not think that just because he was head boy at his prep school that it counts for anything in the here and now.

We at The England School For Boys strongly believe in the education of the whole boy, apart from the mentally feeble ones from the ill-fated exchange programme with the state school in the North East. Speaking of the whole boy, I might also take this opportunity to remind you that boys who stuff their faces with tuck will be looked upon very dimly indeed.

We will be running a tight ship this term in terms of physical fitness, so if some of you bowlers could please try to keep out of the sick bay for at least a few weeks a time, Matron would be extremely grateful. You may have noticed that we have two new faces in the bowling div, if you could make them feel welcome that would be appreciated. Furthermore, do not give them cider; we don’t want a repeat of the unfortunate incidents with certain of the bowlers on the geography field trip to the Carib-

CHEWING, Bopara Minor? Spit it out, boy! In the bin for heaven’s sake. Would you behave like this in Mr Gooch’s class, Bopara Minor? “Sir, no sir,” is quite right Bopara Minor: Mr Gooch would not tolerate it, and nor will I. See me afterwards.

Yes, isn’t life unfair, boy? And don’t think that another century means you can be sure of sitting at top table for supper.

Now, certain members of the sixth form have been on an exchange programme this Lent term with some schools in India and I understand that some of them have been given rather a great deal of pocket money by their hosts. I must say I think this is most unwise, and would commend to you the words of St Paul’s Letter to the Counties, chapter 6 verse 14 in which he says “Money be-eth not the be-all and end-all; for what profiteth it a man if he hath all the wealth in the world but must sit on a bench like a poor ass while others playeth the first class cricket and putteth their name in the hat?” Some wise words there, I think , that we can also use in our daily inning, ha ha ha, especially those of us from Middlesex.

Now we will all sing the school song, Marching Back To The Pavilion Together after which Matron will examine the new boys for nits.”

The lesson was read by Alan Tyers