The papers may be rattling on about the Justin Langer Dossier, but here at TWC we have found another one, from Graham Thorpe (former assistant coach of New South Wales) to Andy Flower.

Chaps.

Below is an intelligence briefing by an ex-English player by the name of Graham Thorpe, he once lived in Sydney. He contacted me with some observations on the Australian team. Take a read, take notes, and try not to leave it in your local pub or twitter about it.

- The Australian team cannot handle swing bowling. Do whatever you can to make the ball swing. Borrow Atherton’s trousers, buy shares in a mint company, use Jimmy’s mousse, but get that ball swinging.

- The way Australians are brought up means they believe they are better than you. Usually they are, not that this time. Any squad with Andrew McDonald in it should be mocked, not feared.

- The team has signed some anti-sledging form. This will confuse them. You can use this to your advantage. For once we will be the team that can question their sexuality and talk about their family members in poor taste.

- Ricky Ponting is still a class batsman even if these days he struggles to score more than one hundred a series. Let him get the hundred out of the way early. His boys love him as a captain; they would follow them off a cliff. If you have access to a cliff, this is worth considering.

- Australia isn’t very good, but Mitchell Johnson is. The best way to get him in trouble is to send a hard sudoku book to his hotel room, the more he thinks, the worse he plays. I met his mother once, a lovely lady; she said he was a very sensitive boy. He also has a tongue ring, not sure if that helps, but I thought it was weird.

- Michael Clarke has a planet-sized ego. There are at least seven moons around it. There is nothing you can do to dent it, NOTHING. However you may want to mention that it is footy season back home and slip in the name Brendan Fevola.

- I have coached Phil Hughes over the years, and he has no weaknesses. The boy is pure batting perfection. Good luck getting him out.

- Shane Watson will get injured. You can disregard him.

- There has never been a player in worse form than Michael Hussey. Apparently it isn’t a technical thing, his pussy cat died.

- Brad Haddin has fingers made of chalk; remember to squeeze hard every time you shake his hand.

- Never underestimate Simon Katich. I know it is hard.

Jrod is an Australian blogger, and now author. His book The Year Of The Balls 2008: A Disrespective is available now