Those Ashes Celebrations In Full

ANDREW STRAUSS: Busy night for the young dad skipper: doing up shoelaces, wiping noses, checking everyone had been for a wee. Surely it’s now time that other batsmen took some responsibility with their preparations for a night out?

STUART BROAD: Showed terrific temperament and all-round composure in dealing with hard-to-eat meal of crab followed by spaghetti and ordering difficult-to-pronounce wine from snitty waiter. Blotted copybook slightly by showing dissent when bill arrived.

JONATHAN TROTT: Found in street belting out national anthem (and mouthing words uncertainly during those tricky Zulu and Xhosa bits).

ALASTAIR COOK: Keeps making same basic errors at every night out: turning up in trainers when everyone knew it was ‘smart but casual’ and ensuring the group can’t get in anywhere; having to phone girlfriend every half an hour to reassure her he isn’t up to no good; being very boring when talking to a group of attractive women so they all leave…

PAUL COLLINGWOOD: Workmanlike fancy dress outfit (Your Basic Comedy Mexican) could not disguise modest overall contribution to night out.

MONTY PANESAR: Invited along for karaoke skills but “didn’t get a lot of assistance from the microphone”. Surprisingly effective on quiz machine; keeping team in it against the odds on quickfire round of Deal Or No Deal.

GRAHAM ONIONS: Absent; Steve Harmison nicked his ticket.

JIMMY ANDERSON: Started evening strongly but slumped incoherent in corner by closing time.

RAVI BOPARA: Cockiness ensured considerable female interest in nightclub and used pick-up lines successfully on some rather homely girls; panicked and spilt drink down himself when attractive ones turned up.

IAN BELL: Looked great, but struggled to really dominate the conversation and was reduced to going “Ha ha ha… yeah” and repeating what other people had just said.

MATT PRIOR: Stunned team-mates and punters alike by carrying tray of drinks back from bar without dropping and turning out to actually be a good bloke to have around.

GRAEME SWANN: Cheeky chappie, great all-round effort: booked stripper, provided comedy moustaches, got his round in, chatted up a hen-do. Suspicion that he might fall just short of being top-class entertainment manager.

KEVIN PIETERSEN: Absent; at home watching Police Academy VI on ITV4, eating oven chips. Texted to say he was having brilliant time in Bungalow 8 with Lamps, Jude Law and Clive Rice.

ANDREW FLINTOFF: Quiet meal with nearest and dearest (i.e. took Steve Harmison to Pizza Hut).

STEVE HARMISON: Became distressed by proliferation of “fancy foreign food” in Pizza Hut; got cab back up to Ashington.

By Alan Tyers